6 Months Later…

October 05, 2021

I didn’t intentionally take a break from this space for so long, it has felt like such a long time but also no time at all. 
In some ways, I think this year has been more of rollercoaster than last year for me. The last time I posted was March, in the middle of lockdown and I don’t even know when that lockdown started easing. It’s all been a bit of a blur. Days rolling into weeks rolling into months and here we are, almost at the end of the year. Scary. 

I have felt down a lot this year and I’m still not really sure why that is. Day to day, I’m fine. On the whole, I am okay. But there’s just been this nagging feeling of impending doom. Maybe because of the past year being so uncertain and being in lockdown one minute and back out then in then out like we’re were doing the hokey cokey. Maybe it’s the fact I turned 30 in June and said goodbye to my 20s. That did hit me harder than I care to admit. Ultimately, it means nothing, it really is just a number. But it’s a bigger number, a more grown up number. I always feel a little down around my birthday anyway, it’s easy to reflect and think “am I where I want to be” “am I doing the right thing” and because 30 is this huge milestone I guess those questions just had a bit more importance to them this year. 

That's not to say I didn't have a good birthday. Jon and I went to Staithes in North Yorkshire for my 30th. It's only about an hour away from his. If you've been before you'll know its tiny, very hidden and quiet and it's just what I needed. I shot a roll of film there and I haven't had it developed yet. I was waiting to finish another one and get them developed together but I'm still waiting. It's the only roll I've shot this year. It was a relaxing few days, we walked, we hunted for crabs and played cards. I'd go back tomorrow.

I've felt creatively in a lull. I always want to paint and want to create something, but actually getting a brush in my hand seems to be a harder task than it sounds. There's lots of things I want to do, but there's something stopping me and holding me back. I think its a fear of failing, of not being good enough and things not turning out how I've envisioned them.

I'm not sure what the solution to that is, but I'll work through it. 

Post a Comment

Latest Instagrams

© VCTYLR. Design by FP.